


Numb

by screamyadong



Series: Incomparable [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, IS IT A RELATIONSHIP THOUGH, M/M, Secret Relationship, actually he's kind of a dick lmao, at all, basically kyun is sad af and wonho is not helping, how do i even tag this mess lmao, mentions of No.Mercy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 08:11:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9539219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamyadong/pseuds/screamyadong
Summary: When golden hearts turns into golden swords, how do you cope? How do you survive when the person you love most is the one that hurts you the most?The answer is simple: you don't.





	

**Author's Note:**

> How do you even summarize fics haaaah  
> Also this is completely unedited!!

After months of early schedules and late night practices it was odd to be able to stay up late without feeling guilty. The digital clock, perched on the window sill ticked over to a solid 03.00 am, and yet he wasn't even remotely sleepy. 

 

Changkyun’s day had so far consisted of: sleeping in until noon, eating leftover food (stir fried noodles courtesy of Kihyun) and playing Overwatch (and dying. Lots and lots of dying.). At some point he socialized a bit in the living room, but otherwise he spent his time perched on his stomach on his bed; laptop in front of him, screen glaring brightly.

 

The dorm was mostly empty when they had time off; the members deciding to spend time with family and friends or work over that one part of the choreography or that one line in a song they can't get quite right.

It’s not that Changkyun doesn't want to practice; it was quite the opposite actually. 

 

However, as the Gods have decided to be utterly against him (again), his ankle was acting up for the millionth time since his injury and as such, he was lounging instead of working out. Or practicing. Or leaving the house. (Okay, maybe he’s just making up excuses at this point but honestly? He really does need his rest)

 

And now that the clock is indeed 3 am, he can't help but wonder where his… boyfriend? Lover? Friend-with-Benefits? is. 

Changkyun has sent him a (casual, mind you) text earlier in the evening asking when he’d be home but he failed to receive an answer. While this was not as unusual and one might think, it still worried him a little. It was the kind of worry that stuck to the back of you mind, gnawing at you continuously. 

 

It felt utterly ridiculous though, that he would be worried about whether or not his own bandmate would be home or not.

They hadn't defined their relationship yet, so what right did he have to worry? As his bandmate and friend, he did have a right to worry, but not to this extent.

 

Not to the point where his thoughts jumped to conclusions that maybe they were with someone else; someone better. Someone more attractive, or funnier, or more outgoing. Someone who would willingly tag along to the gym and not whine the entire way there and the entire way back.

 

Someone who could better put into words how they felt, and what they thought. Not just stay quiet like he nearly always did, unless it was jokingly in front of a camera.

 

It was an issue Changkyun knew he needed to deal with, and he knew it was partially caused by No.Mercy. 

 

The words they said, all of them, nearly two years ago stuck with him. How they didn't want him, didn't think he was attractive enough, talented enough. Their behaviour around him, as if he was the reason they suffered through eliminations and harsh words. 

 

Though not the harshest of them, Hoseok’s words always cut the deepest. It was utterly undeniable that the man was one of the most attractive people he had ever met, with abs of steel and a heart of gold. A golden heart that turned into a sword when Changkyun was involved. Or at least, that was what it was like two years ago.

 

Now? Now they were close;  _ too _ close. Dancing in some kind of limbo between friends and lovers, an undefined and unmentioned…  _ thing _ . Something they kept hidden because it would stir up so much trouble.

 

It wasn't that Changkyun didn't trust Hoseok, or that he didn't agree with him. It was just that all of his old (and new) doubts kept crawling at him when a text went unanswered or a call ignored. 

 

Regardless of how much it hurt him and how much he wanted to just  _ talk  _ about it; he never did.

 

He simply sat back and watched Hoseok talk about ideal girls and whatnot, and seeing him flirt with other people (likely unknowingly) certainly cut into him but he didn't; couldn't say anything about it. He had no right; no obligation to. Besides; it’s not like the two of them were in a relationship. (By the Gods, he really needed to sort that one out.)

 

With a heavy sigh, Changkyun turned to lay on his stomach to bury his head into his pillow. He felt so utterly pathetic and repulsed by himself even though he knew it was just his anxiety acting up.

 

With one last glance at the clock (04:23) he begrudgingly fell into a restless slumber, his text to Hoseok read but unanswered. Just like the many questions he buried deep in his heart and mind. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A loud crash the next morning woke him up with a start. He sat up rubbing his eyes, before clumsily climbing down from the top bunk to investigate the cause of the sound.

 

Stumbling into the hallway, and then groggily towards the kitchen, he only ended up standing dumbly next to the sofa in the living room. 

 

In the kitchen, a cursing Kihyun (holding his foot) was being held in a tight embrace by a silently laughing Hoseok. They were all close, so it wasn't weird to see someone hugging the other, but what annoyed Changkyun was that Kihyun (hater of human contact) was actually fully leaning on Hoseok, his head resting of Hoseok’s shoulder.

 

Hoseok was rubbing up and down Kihyun’s arm in a soothing way and while that in itself was only endearing it was the look in Hoseok’s eyes that made a hard lump form in Changkyun’s throat.

 

The look in Hoseok’s eyes was one of fondness; endearment; maybe even love. Like a puppy smitten by a treat.

 

Had Hoseok ever looked at Changkyun that way? Was Changkyun only a replacement for an unreachable love?

 

His brain told him otherwise; that Hoseok was not such a heartless person.

 

Oh, but his heart. His heart moaned and wept, and shattered into a million pieces. Maybe Hoseok didn't feel anything for him after all? Maybe they were just fuck buddies, but Hoseok was too kind to break Changkyun’s heart.

 

He stood frozen by the sofa for what felt like ages until someone (Jooheon) stumbled into him, making him topple over. Changkyun missed the sofa, but still managed to catch himself on the armrest.

 

The commotion by the sofa caught Kihyun’s and Hoseok’s attention, and they shot apart as if they’d been caught doing something they shouldn't have. Or had they?

 

“Kkukungie, why are you on the floor?” 

 

Hoseok’s voice was slightly shaky, but he was smiling and it seemed sincere enough.

Before Changkyun had a chance to answer Jooheon mumbled a reply.

 

“I bumped into him; I guess he’s as sleepy as me since he just toppled over.”

 

Jooheon rubbed at his eyes with his fists like a small child before reaching down to haul Changkyun back on his feet. Or rather, he attempted to but only ended up falling as well. Jooheon, rather ungracefully, dropped next to Changkyun, immediately curling up to rest his head on Changkyun’s stomach.

 

“Did we wake you, Kyun-ah? Kihyun dropped a pan on his foot,” 

 

Hoseok spoke again, and Changkyun startled a bit. His head was spinning with insecurities and god damn, it was way too early for this shit.

 

“Yeah, I guess? Is Kihyun-hyung’s foot alright?” 

 

Hoseok shrugged, and Kihyun (still cursing and nursing his poor foot) mumbled something along the lines of “cursed fucking pots” and “fucking fuck that hurt”.

 

Changkyun nodded, realizing he wouldn't get a proper answer, and looked up at Hoseok, meeting his gaze. His soft, pillowy lips were pulled into a soft pout and his eyebrows scrunched together in what looked like concern.

 

Pushing softly at Jooheon’s (snoring) form, Changkyun stood up on wobbly legs. Yep, he was totally not awake enough for this.

 

Looking away from Hoseok’s piercing gaze, Changkyun stumbled as quickly as he could to the bathroom.

 

His heart was beating out of his chest, and his breath was quickening. Tears stung in his eyes and as soon as the bathroom door clicked shut and the lock was twisted; Changkyun slid down to the floor.

 

Was he seriously going to cry over this? Over his pathetic ass feelings? What is this, No.Mercy?

 

Taking deep breaths, Changkyun forced himself to stand up and strip himself of his clothes. 

If he was going to cry, he sure as hell was going to do it in the shower.

 

Lo and behold, ten minutes later Changkyun was as quietly as possible sobbing his eyes out under the lukewarm spray of water. 

 

He was, however, nothing but effective; despite crying he was still washing himself thoroughly, the soap foaming nicely against his skin. 

 

His sobs died down, and after waiting a few minutes (still in the shower) he finally turned the water off and stepped out. Quickly wrapping himself in his bathrobe and throwing a towel over his head, he shoved his dirty laundry into the hamper and opened the door to the bathroom.

 

 

Only to be met by a very solid chest, belonging to a very solid Shin Hoseok.

Said solid person placed a hand on Changkyun’s chest and pushed him back into the bathroom, leaning back against the locked door.

 

“Why were you crying?”

 

Hoseok’s voice was not unkind, but still forceful, his eyes determined.

Changkyun shrugged, staring intensely at a loose thread on the sleeve of Hoseok’s shirt, refusing to answer.

 

Hoseok moved to step closer to him, but Changkyun quickly moved back.

 

“What are we?”

 

The question was blurted quickly, and a shameful red spread across his cheeks. Hoseok remained silent for a moment before answering.

 

“What do you mean, Changkyun?”

 

Changkyun hesitated. Did he not understand? Was this the moment of truth?

Yes, he decided. It was now or never.

 

“What are we, hyung? Are we friends? Because friends don't jerk each other off, or give each other a quick blowjob backstage to blow off steam. They don't do these things, hyung. So what are we?”

 

The silence stretched on. Changkyun heard what seemed to be Hoseok’s mouth opening and closing (he imagined he looked quite like a fish at this moment) before a soft sigh escaped him.

 

“Of course we’re friends, what else would we be?” 

 

Hoseok’s voice shook, and Changkyun finally looked up and met his gaze.

Hoseok’s lower lip was trembling, and he had that sad puppy look etched on his face.

Unfortunately, it didn't bite on Changkyun. Not this time.

 

“Oh, I don't know? Maybe lovers? Or maybe even boyfriends?”

 

He spit the words out like poison and Hoseok’s sad puppy look transformed into one of.. shock? Hurt? He couldn't place it.

 

“That’s.. that’s outrageous! Why would we be?” 

 

Changkyun’s blood ran cold. It felt like he didn't even exist at this point, like his heart had stopped beating.

Because surely, it didn't.

Instead of answering, he just nodded mutely. He didn't even register moving, didn't feel his body leaving the bathroom or bumping into Kihyun. It wasn't until he was laying in his bed again that he took what felt like his first breath of air.

 

He could vaguely hear what sounded like yelling, but he didn't care. His heart was pounding so loudly it was almost all he could hear, and though he breathed, it didn't feel like he was getting enough oxygen. 

  
The last thing he heard before he passed out was Jooheon yelling, “Why was he  _ crying?! _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> A special thank you to my darling wifeu, Toast, who encouraged me and yelled whenever I teased her with this <3  
> Love you!
> 
> Do let me know what you think, and if I've missed a tag! First fic in this fandom ahh
> 
> EDIT 8/4: Made it into a one-shot! Will be adding more to it _however_ , it will be in the form of other one-shots in a series! SO uh. Sorry for the delay lol
> 
> EDIT 2, 25/1 2018: I REFOUND MOTIVATION FOR THIS WADDUP ADDING THE CONTINUATION TO THIS FIC NOW AAAH


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